I lost my balance for a bit. I wish I had something profound to say about why it happened or how to prevent it from happening again, but the truth of it is that I don’t exactly know. Still. So many years of back and forth with food, fun, and trying to figure it all out. What I CAN say, though, is that this time was definitely different than before. Shorter. Healthier. More balanced. Not perfectly balanced, just more balanced. And that’s a start.
It wasn’t just about food either. Something shifted inside of me and I have spent some time over the past few months trying to figure out how all of the pieces of my life fit together. One of those pieces is this blog and it has been a struggle for me to put into words what transpired. Last month was actually my one-year anniversary of sharing recipes and the occasional musings with all of you. That should have been reason for celebration, at least a special recipe or something, but instead I closed up and haven’t posted in ages. Then each time I wanted to post, or thought I should post, I felt guilty for neglecting Balancing Paleo and you(!) for so long. I wanted to apologize, explain, fix it, take it back…something. And that in turn made me stay quiet, because you see, I don’t usually put things out there that easily. My thoughts, my reasons, these are things that I tend to keep quite private and ever since beginning this blog it has been an interesting experience for me. It has stretched me and made me look at things differently. But to say everything, to put it all out there, is still so hard.
My cooking shifted too. Rather than creating my own recipes, I’ve been spending time in my cookbooks. Or if I do cook creatively, I haven’t been writing anything down, instead just going by taste and feel. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but I recognize it for what it is here – a desire to stay safe, a fear of being vulnerable, exposed. There have been days, too, when I simply haven’t felt like cooking, and many of those days have spiraled out of control, reminding me sharply of the interconnectivity of food and my mind.
Then a friend gave me a book: What I Know For Sure by Oprah Winfrey. It is a compilation of short essays about those things, experiences, thoughts that Oprah knows for sure. She explores joy, resilience, awe, connection, gratitude, and possibility. It is introspective, touching, and inspiring. It, in fact, inspired this post. I started reading it a few days ago, and then I went to yoga, another gift in my life that I have neglected lately. Fittingly, we did Tree pose which always reminds me of what I’m trying to accomplish with this blog. Balancing Paleo is a place for growth, not perfection. It is my attempt to share things which delight me – food or otherwise – and it is okay if that isn’t perfect. If I am not perfect.
So this I know for sure: I am grateful for all of you who read my blog, try my recipes, comment here, or just stop by. Your presence allows me the place and space to continue this journey and work towards balance. You ground me in my search towards better and let me reach towards the sky, fluidly, not locked into any expectation. You let me bend and stretch and become.
6 thoughts on “This I Know for Sure: I am grateful for you”
“Going quiet.” “I closed up.” These phrases are exactly what I have been experiencing over the past few weeks, too. I don’t like it and I can’t explain it. But know that you aren’t alone. Thank you for posting. I’m glad to see you opening up and coming out again – like a flower, I suppose.
As a planner, I’d love to be able to predict each step of this process. Since that doesn’t seem possible, I guess we just have to live each moment as it comes. Sending warmth and acceptance your way so that you too can start to come back out.
I have had several of these stretches in my blogging as well. The best I have come to with it is to reassess my reason behind blogging. And I’m 100% sure yours is different than mine, but I’ll give it a go here. I blog for me, to have somewhere to look back on my life experiences. I make it public because it feels right. So when I’m taking a break that is fine, because it’s my blog, my break, no problem. Where I feel guilt is when I think about others expectations for my blog. Then I have to go back to: my blog, my journey, my blog, my journey.
Not sure if any of that resonates, but when I see I break from you I think: her blog, her prerogative. And then I’m joyful when I see a post pop back up when you are ready.
Thank you, Sonja – That does resonate! I appreciate the wisdom in the words and the understanding that comes along with them. xo
Grateful for you and your down-to-earth heart!