Whole45@45 – Day 25: Cravings

This-Too-shall-Pass1Oh. My. Gosh. Stupid cravings. I’m trying not to call them stupid because they are probably signaling something either physical or emotional that I need to deal with, but they feel stupid. Because I don’t want them. And I feel a little cheated that after 25 days of no alcohol, added sugar, or grains, I am still having cravings. I kind of feel like this should be a thing of the past and I should just be happy and thrilled that I’m eating all things that are good for my body. But actually, today and yesterday, I’ve been mostly just wishing I weren’t. I’d like to go get frozen yogurt with my kid and open a bottle of wine tonight. It doesn’t seem like too much to ask. And I’ve had 25 days of really clean eating so you know what I feel? I feel like I deserve a break. And I feel a little like it sucks that I have 20 more days to go before that can happen. And that is making me feel rebellious because I’m a grown up that can choose to eat or drink whatever I want and really, this life, MY life, is about balance and enjoying the small moments that come around every day and if that is a part of how I enjoy life then I should just relax and do it.

Only this. I feel better when I don’t drink and when I’m not crashing from added sugar. I feel better in my body and mind and soul when I’m treating it right. My energy is more stable and my thought processes are clearer and more measured when I’m not on some food induced chemical roller coaster.

So what is happening here? I’m sure it’s a combination of things, many of which I’ll never know for sure, but my best guess is that my brain kind of likes how things were before when I would just follow every little urge down its path and not worry about the outcome. It was easier to not have a goal or something that I want to accomplish. Choosing to eat a certain way, striving to create my healthiest and happiest body, making decisions that are not rooted in instant gratification – all these things can be hard at times and I guess I’m in one of those times.

I’ve got some things on my heart and mind and I don’t have answers for them right now. Personally, that’s a tough space for me to be in because I’m a fairly decisive person. Uncertainty is not my favorite space. In fact, if I don’t know the right thing to do, sometimes I’ll just jump anyway so that at least I’m dealing with a concrete set of circumstances and can put my action oriented self back to work. Just being with what is and not knowing what comes next, or even what I wish to come next, that’s tough for me.

In my experience, cravings and urges are two different things. An urge comes on suddenly, like someone mentions frozen yogurt (my son yesterday) and suddenly something that wasn’t even on my radar looms before me as a giant desire. Or you’re not even hungry but the dessert cart comes along and suddenly you really think that piece of cake is the most amazing thing you’ve ever seen.

Urges tend to pass rather quickly. If you can distract yourself for 15 minutes – go for a walk, meditate, get involved in a craft or project, lose yourself in a conversation or book – the urge will generally move through and you can go on about your day.

Cravings for something specific, however, tend to linger a little longer. Sometimes for days or until the craving has been addressed. You might be craving pizza or cookies or chips, for example, and it goes on for a while. Another characteristic of a craving is it is usually quite specific. It’s not any cookie, it’s a chocolate chip cookie warm from the oven or your grandma’s snickerdoodles. Or maybe it’s BBQ Lays or that one coffee-candy drink you love or something like that. In the case of a true craving, sometimes the best solution is to satisfy that particular craving in the best way you can. This might mean finding the healthiest version that will still satisfy the taste and texture sensation, particularly if you have a food sensitivity, by maybe creating a Paleo version or hunting down a close representation. Or it might mean indulging in exactly what you’re craving but being very aware of how much you eat and how it affects your mind and body and truly savoring the experience.

Sometimes, though, the key to handling the craving is to dig a little deeper and uncover the underlying FEELING that you are trying to satisfy. Because, really, the body isn’t looking for the nutrition found in that chocolate chip cookie – it simply doesn’t need it. It, or your mind, is looking for something else. So what is it?

Sometimes my thoughts get busy and a little obsessive on a topic and what I’m seeking from wine or over-indulgent food is actually a sense of relief and space from my thoughts. I crave numbing out so that I don’t have to face head-on that I don’t have an answer for a particular situation and I also don’t have a next best move. That maybe I’m in a space of waiting and releasing control and allowing life to unfold. In that space of uncertainty, I’m looking to wrest some control back and take charge or to escape the discomfort of not having the answer. The problem with indulging in this way is I turn off my ability to discover and feel and my body doesn’t love what I put in it when I do this.

Or maybe I’m looking for that sense of carefree liberation that I feel when I’ve had a glass or two of wine and am indulging in whatever pleases my senses. It’s a playful state, a celebratory sensation, something that feels totally good and joyful. This release from responsibilities and duties is so relaxing and I believe this state of being can be one of self-care. The trouble with it though is that I sometimes get confused and believe the playful, joyful, relaxed sensations come from the food when in reality they come from the mental place of letting go and fully immersing myself in the moment while releasing the hold that any expectation of how things should be has.

There are a million other feelings that you might be craving that you are confounding with food cravings. What is it that you truly desire and how might you satisfy that feeling? Once you discover this, and satisfy it, if you still want the food then go for it. But maybe, just maybe, you fulfilled your need for love, adventure, connection, relaxation, rebellion, celebration, delight, release, playfulness, or whatever in a way that actually, truly nourished your soul. And maybe, just maybe, it felt infinitely better than a cookie.

Shine bright. xo

So What did I eat today?

Breakfast – 2 eggs, zucchini, 1/4 avocado, sauerkraut

Post-workout lunch: Grilled pork salad with beets, tomatoes, avocado / Sweet potato / Cherries

Snack – Strawberries

Dinner – Grilled tri-tip / Sweet potato / Cantaloupe / 1/4 avocado

I decided to add some sweet potato into my day in case I was needing more carbohydrates. It seemed to help calm the cravings but I also think that this morning’s introspection helped too.

How did I move today?

A lot! Metcon that included lots of push-ups and squat jumps inside burpees plus some heavy bent-over barbell rows.

Tennis with my son – just a few more days of summer vacation left!

And then an hour walking around the track with some friends while he had football practice. I am toast!

Whole45@45 – Day 23

paleo pyramidSometimes when I talk to people about Paleo, they think that I eat totally weird stuff. I mean, maybe I do, but I don’t think it’s the Paleo part of it. I think that’s more because I love unusual flavors and tons of variety. In reality, I feel like I eat mostly the same as everyone else, only minus a few things. So it’s not that Paleo food is so different, it’s just that it gets arranged a little differently than you might expect.

Instead of always having something starchy on the side, those options are a little more limited or we just leave them out entirely. Instead of something with cheese, we eat it without the cheese. Sandwiches? No bread. Okay. I admit that sandwiches are a bit hard because they are so much about the bread, but usually if there’s a sandwich, you can have a salad instead. Or make a salad out of the insides of the sandwich.

The real fundamentals of eating Paleo are this…if it comes from the ground or an animal and not a box or bag, you’re pretty much good to go. Meat? Yes. Fruits and veggies? Yes. Nuts and seeds? Yes. Fats? Mostly, but these are a little trickier.

Then as time goes on and each individual learns more about what suits them, things get added. Maybe rice, maybe lentils or beans, maybe cheese or yogurt. Because you see, Paleo isn’t a prescribed diet, it’s a philosophical way of looking at our current food and lifestyle and asking the question – What does my body need to be its healthiest and feel its best? I’m all about total adherence to the picture above right now as my body finds its rhythm, but in the future maybe dairy will come in a little and maybe lentils because I actually already know that my body tolerates them pretty well. Same thing for rice. And for sure an occasional treat or cocktail.

If you look back at what I’ve been eating, it’s lots of salads, for example, but not because I have to. It’s because I really love them. I eat burgers and shrimp and grilled meat and tons of veggies. I think it’s more about what I don’t eat that worries people. Pasta, lasagna, fried food, pizza, Chinese food, ice cream…it’s true that these are difficult for me to work in because of all the wheat and sugar. But when I really think about it, those foods don’t make me feel my best anyway. They generally make me want to lie down and take a nap – almost immediately. My body totally crashes and feels lethargic and tapped out. But maybe sometimes I’ll eat them, especially ice cream, and maybe I won’t. I’m open to moving forward in whatever way feels best for my body as time goes by.

If you are worried about jumping into a Paleo lifestyle, things have really changed in the past five years. Many restaurants are gluten free or have Paleo options, there are ready-made products at the store and online that can make the transition easier, and so many blogs and cookbooks out there to help you stay motivated. And if it turns out that you feel more energized, balanced, lighter and happier when you eat this way…what have you really got to lose?

Shine bright. xo

What did I eat today?

Breakfast – 2 eggs, zoodles, 1/4 avocado

Pre-workout – A few bites of curry chicken and 1 Lebanese meatball / Cherries

Post-workout lunch – Chili on a bed of slaw, 1/4 avocado / Cherries

Dinner – 1/2 a pork chop with a beet salad / Banana with almond butter

Okay – yesterday I may have said that I was over the fruit thing and mostly I am, except cherries and other summer fruits are not here long and they’re my favorites. I’m not going to miss out on summer’s bounty because I think I would regret it. Maybe the banana with almond butter was a bit of a treat but it felt great.

How did I move today?

First off, yesterday’s workout didn’t happen but sometimes you just need to listen to the body and let it rest.

Today was a MetCon day. I did a 30 minute workout that had me dripping with sweat. It involved hill sprints, weighted walking lunges, plyo lunges, thrusters and burpees. Lots of them. Then I went to yoga in the evening and walked my dog after dinner.

Guess what? It’s raining again right now and I’m outside under my sweet little lights relishing another summer storm. I wish some of you were here with me. It’s pretty awesome. But then I might want a glass of wine so maybe next time.



Whole45@45 – Day 22

rumi hearts

I had a beautiful day today. I connected with a friend and felt love and loved. Mondays are also when I work with a number of different women and I saw them connect as well and support one another and be there for each other. I was reminded today, and deeply moved, by how our humanness brings us closer together. When we feel safe and are able to be vulnerable, to share the softer, less secure side of our selves, we have the chance to know our own hearts better as well as allow the other person across from us to bridge the gap with their understanding and acceptance. To be seen with the gentlest eyes is such a gift. I wish everyone could experience it. It says you are missing nothing; you are whole and accepted just as you are. When I see this, when I feel this, I breathe and cherish the moment.

I am moving headlong into the second half of this journey. My hunger feels totally manageable now. I’ve always wondered about people who claim that they forget to eat – I can’t imagine how that’s possible. I certainly don’t forget to eat, but there doesn’t seem to be much urgency behind it. I really have to go a long time before I’m ravenous. It’s super interesting to me and I wonder if some of it is the hormonal shift the other way. I guess I’ll find out in a few weeks. Right now, six or seven hours between meals isn’t hard. I also don’t feel like I’m overeating as much as I did in the beginning when I was trying to feel satisfied. Now I eat what looks normal and then I’m done. Fruit also seems to be taking a back seat. In the beginning I either ate, or at least wanted, fruit after every meal and I wanted to snack on it too. I think I was adjusting to the decreased sugar intake. Today, it just doesn’t seem as important. Tomorrow will test all this a little bit because I have a crazy day ahead, but we’ll just see how it goes.

I’m off to work. I hope you feel love today in any of its various beautiful forms. I’m glad you were here.

Shine bright. xo

What did I eat today?

Breakfast – 2 eggs, zucchini, 1/4 avocado, sauerkraut

Lunch – Salad with grilled pork chop, tomatoes, beets, avocado, sweet onion, mustardy vinaigrette

Dinner – Chili on a bed of slaw

Today’s workout?

I’m sending this a little early. I’m planning to get a back workout in, but I’m not sure it will happen. It will depend on what I feel like doing after work. Either way, it’ll be okay today.


Whole45@45 – Day 21


Yesterday was an amazing day! I had the opportunity to take a yoga training class at a studio that feels really special to me. It’s not near where I live so I don’t get to practice there very often, but when they hold a special event, I try to attend. Yesterday’s training was about assists. The concept of assisting someone so that they may more fully enter into the experience they are already having is beautiful to me. It’s not about changing where someone is or “fixing” them in any way because in yoga, as in life, nothing is missing. We already have all that we need inside of us. Sometimes we simply need help remembering.

I love going to trainings and seminars. Learning something new always feels exhilarating to me. It’s probably something that I should try to do more often because it makes me feel connected to myself and the world around me in a different way. Maybe that’s why I’m enjoying this process so much too. Having to reflect and share with you what I’m going through has me looking at my eating and health differently. I have to say, though, I might only blog daily up to 30 days and then slow it down a bit. This level of analysis of my food doesn’t seem all that balanced to me.

But seriously! Already 21 days done? Crazy. I would be entering into the final countdown if it were a Whole30 and I am so glad that I extended it. Honestly, I don’t think I’ll be stopping at 45 days either. I am thinking maybe something like 60. While I don’t believe that living this rigidly around food is how I want to live all the time, it hasn’t really felt that rigid yet. I have really been loving what I’m eating, how it’s fitting into my day, how I feel in my mind and body and everything about this process so I want to go a little bit longer before making a change. I plan to reintroduce foods carefully to see how I feel with each addition and I’m even looking forward to that process too. But we’ll see how it all plays out – I’m only half way done right now so I might change my mind.

The Whole30 Timeline talks about Day 21 being a hard one because food boredom sometimes sets in and people just get tired of the process. I’m wondering if I experienced a little of that on Day 19 when I was craving chocolate and super hungry.

Yesterday I was hardly hungry at all. I’m sure it’s because the body has the ability to balance itself when we feed it the right foods. If we’re constantly bombarding it with hyper-palatable packaged products or tons of sugar and non-foods, then it’s impossible for it to signal that it’s done eating because it keeps seeking out more nutrients. And then today, I just felt normal. I was definitely hungry by lunch, which was a little late, but felt pretty steady all day long. Simply being in rhythm.

Nothing much to talk about today. I’m just really enjoying the weekend, relaxing, doing chores around the house, and right now typing while a storm rolls in. I kind of love it.

So what did I eat today?

Breakfast – 2 eggs, cabbage, 1/4 avocado

Pre-workout snack – 1 Lebanese meatball / A few bites of beet

Lunch – Steak salad

Snack – Carrots and Kombucha

Dinner – Grilled pork chop / Buffalo cauliflower / Cherries

Snack – 2 kiwis / Collagen tea

How did I move today?

Leg day! Yesterday was a big shoulder day.

Also walked the dog today.

Whole45@45 – Day 19

tiredIf I had started my Whole30 on Monday, this would be Day 5 and that’s exactly how I feel. I’m totally exhausted and want some chocolate. Bad. Not sure where all that has come from and I sure hope it takes off soon. I’m so, so tired. I took a nap and still don’t feel awake. I have to take my son to football practice this evening and then I imagine I’ll come home and crash. Sounds like a fine Friday night plan to me. I’m such a party animal…

On top of being tired and craving chocolate, I’ve also been hungry. I did have a pretty tough workout this morning so it could just be that I wasn’t able to fuel that properly. Fridays are another of my strange days due to my work schedule so I’ll need to make a better plan for the upcoming weeks.

I’m glad that I’m still feeling committed to this challenge because otherwise it would be a wine and cheese kind of night. But that’s okay. It’s probably good for my brain to have to work through a tough day or two so I remind myself that these are JUST CRAVINGS. They are not actually in control. I still get to choose.

What did I eat today?

Breakfast – 2 eggs with zucchini in leftover curry sauce from last night.

Pre-workout snack – 1/2 an Rx Bar

Post-workout snack/Pre-yoga – 1/2 an Rx Bar

Lunch – Tuna salad with tons of celery, pickles, grapes, mayo, 1/4 avo / Plum / A few bites of curry chicken

Snack – Nuts and dried fruit

Dinner – Curry chicken / Smoothie

Snack – Nuts and fruit

This little trailmix thing I have going on is about to end. I love it and it’s really hard for me to just have a little bit. It’s such an easy snack to take with me, but I know I go overboard and I think I might be using the dried fruit as a sugar crutch. Time to let it go and set myself up with some actual protein and veggies for my snacks.

How did I move today?

Tough chest workout followed by yoga.


Whole45@45 – Day 18: Body Confidence

'I knew it! 'Chicken' comes first!'I feel like another shift has occurred and I really want to talk about it. But first of all, thanks again for sticking with me through all of this! It’s been 18 days now and it still feels easy. I’m really, really grateful for that.

I’m sitting in my backyard this morning and it’s chilly and gray and just the slightest bit breezy. It feels like fall and I’m loving it. I have a cup of Rooibos tea with collagen and I’m listening to one of my favorite sounds in the world – the wind in the leaves. Love love love it! On top of that, I am planning to go hiking with my son today so I couldn’t be happier.

Yesterday the whole eating craze thing was totally non-existent. I ate my meals, felt totally satisfied, and didn’t even have the urge to snack throughout the day. This tells me, I think, that these past couple days, I was experiencing an increase in progesterone leading to a faster metabolism, more hunger, and bigger cravings. Progesterone rises during the luteal phase of a woman’s cycle so this increased metabolism/hunger/cravings cycle is likely to happen every month. I don’t know what to do with all that. Maybe eat more, maybe increase my carbs, maybe try to work through it…I think it will depend. Rather than dwell on it, though, I’ll just move forward with a little more awareness.

It’s actually raining right now. Seriously, I just can’t tell you how much I am loving sitting out here typing while this lovely weather is happening!

All that being said, the real shift that I have felt occur has been in body confidence. At the beginning of this Whole45, my confidence was a bit low, I didn’t feel attractive, I felt like I kind of wanted to hide away for a while. Now just a couple weeks later, I can feel my confidence and body appreciation rising. But realistically, how much have I changed? Sure, I’ve lost a few pounds and some bloat, but in just two weeks, the change is not THAT significant. Maybe a couple people notice, probably not though. Because in all truth, the difference isn’t that extreme. But I feel much, much better. So what’s the difference?

I think the difference lies in how I am treating myself. Over the last few weeks, I have shifted how I nourish myself entirely over to things that are providing what my body actually needs. There’s no alcohol, no sugar, no junk. It’s all about nutrient-dense foods and it all tastes great! Honestly, I have zero intention of changing my health by taking away the joy of food. That simply isn’t going to happen; I need to love what I eat. I am also exercising consistently, making room for play (tennis, hikes), consciously adding a yoga day that I don’t teach or do at home, meditating, allowing for naps when necessary, paying attention to the ones I love, and being outside as often as possible, which feels joyful to me.

The more we care for ourselves, the more worthy we feel of self-care. This feeling of worth then expands, creating greater energy for life, more to give to those around us, more awareness, more INTENTION. We live more fully and feel more alive and have a greater sense of self-love, which translates back into confidence and self-worth, allowing us to expand yet again. It’s pretty amazing, really.

When I was drinking wine and eating a pack of crackers, it was a self-fulfilling cycle of frustration, sapping the energy right out of me and creating feelings of guilt and inadequacy. Difference – when I’m drinking wine and eating crackers (with amazing cheese) while connecting with friends, that’s living life richly. I’m good with that. (Just not right now…).

Food IS self-care. I’m experiencing that right now and it’s made me look at my body confidence a little differently too. Two weeks ago, uncomfortable in the gym. Yesterday, comfortable in my skin. That’s not to say that I don’t want to make changes in my body, I still have plans for that. The difference is in how I feel and carry myself. But I don’t look any different! So which came first – Body confidence or a better body to feel confident in?

I’m going to have to side with body confidence generated from a place of love and care.

I have a crazy-amazing friend who trains triathletes based on her own experiences as a world leading Ironman triathlete over at Rising Tide Triathlon. (Seriously, if you are looking to do your first Ironman or your 15th and want training that encompasses the whole you, check her out! She’s the best.) A while back, she and I had an email exchange around bodies and she said something that has stuck with me and replayed off and on in the back of my mind.

It was this: “If I am living the way I want to live, like incorporating the things I love and working through the stuff I don’t love in a conscious way, then isn’t the body that comes out of that, the body I should be happy with???”

My heart-felt answer is YES! Absolutely! Our bodies are all different and amazing and remarkable in their own right. If the life we are living is one that we love, then our bodies as a physical representation of that life are, indeed, loveable!

Now that I am feeding my body what it needs and showering it with self-care and love, it IS the body that comes out of that life. I can still want to change it, but I don’t love it any less. It is the same body that it was two weeks ago, but today I appreciate it for working so hard, being so capable, and affording me so much grace for the times I didn’t speak nicely about it. I am, in fact, proud of all it’s done despite how I’ve treated it at times.

I think this is where I got stuck. I knew deep down, and maybe not so deep down, that what I was putting into my body wasn’t really nourishing or nurturing it. I was placing great physical demands on it in terms of intense workouts and great psychological and emotional demands on it in terms of intense, well…, life. However, instead of giving it the food that it needed to navigate all of that, I was giving it wine and crackers. That’s not very fair. So I KNEW that I wasn’t caring for myself in the best way I could and I felt guilty about that, which created a negative spiral.

Have I fixed it for good with a few weeks of meat and veg? Hardly. But I’ve reminded myself that small shifts in self-care can translate into huge gains in terms of happiness, vitality, and renewed confidence. That’s a pretty good start.

What are you doing to care for yourself today? It doesn’t have to be a grandiose gesture, you can absolutely start small. Just show yourself some love today. You totally deserve it.

Shine bright. xo

What did I eat today?

Breakfast – 3 eggs, garlicky chard, 1/4 avocado, sauerkraut, a few chunks of sweet potato

Pre-hike snack – Broccoli salad / Grapes

Lunch – Sausage / Apple / 1/3 c. Roasted sweet potato

Post-hike snack – Nuts and dried fruit

Dinner – Curried chicken / Broccoli / Smoky carrots

How did I move?

A beautiful hike with my son near Westcliffe. Those are some mountains I wouldn’t mind living in. It was beautiful! And I made it home in time for yoga so it was truly a wonderful day.

Whole45@45 – Day 17

drivebyJust doing a quick drive by today because it was a really busy day and I need some time to unwind. My eating totally fixed itself. I no longer felt like eating everything. I’m thinking it was probably hormonal (sorry if that’s uncomfortable, gentlemen). I’m just glad that I was able to eat and move on instead of feeling driven by hunger.

I’ll have more to share tomorrow. In the meantime, I hope you are all having a wonderful week! Thanks for coming along on this ride!

What did I eat today?

Breakfast – 2 eggs, curried zucchini, 1/4 avocado, sauerkraut

Lunch – Celery salad with grapes, walnuts, onion, chives, mint / Chinese meatballs / Cherries

Dinner – Grassfed beef polish sausage / Broccoli salad with avocado, tomato, onion, pickles, and garlicy vinaigrette

How did I move today?

Yoga and tennis. Wednesdays are mostly rest days for me so I just enjoy whatever movement comes along, plus yoga.